Whats going on in my life right now

I know i know, i havent really been posting in this blog like i thought i would when i started in october. I never really got to it, sort of forgot. Well right now alot is going on in my life that i need to talk about. I need to express everything i can think of at the moment, and maybe while im talking i can find a solution by myself. Things have been pretty stressful, 11th grade makes you think about the future ALOTTT. I have alot of expectations and i am getting pretty nervous.

So first thing: SAT's
  The SAT's are killing me!!!!!! I waited too long to actually start seriously studying. (The first time i am taking it is in march). I NEEEED to get above a 1950 if there is any chance i am getting into NYU. I reallllyyyy want to get into NYU. My dad is offering me a nice apartment in the city and going to a school like that would be amazing. I havent really tried my hardest in 9th and 10th grade, which i obviously regret. But i am trying very hard this year and its actually going pretty well. I am getting good grades and my goals are always set high. I just need to do well on these SAT's in order to get into a college like NYU. I am going to the library and doing practice tests in order to study. Hopefully things there work out.

Arrite whats next?...lets talk general school life.
     School hasnt been too bad. Socially i am pretty happy. No real enemies, good friends. Yet sometimes i try to be something that i am not. I think im just always trying to improve, which is a good thing im sure. JR Prom is in late may and people started asking each other early feb. I have NOOO IDEAAA why people were asking so soon. I think its because 1 kid did, then it created a domino effect. I have yet to ask anybody to JR Prom. I just dont really know who i want to ask. I have options and posibilities, but none are really calling my name. Nobody in my immediate crew has a jr prom date yet. Out of most of the people we know, we are close to last to finding one. Some are panicking, some dont care, and some are acting like they dont care. I am one who is acting like i dont care, yet i think of it alot. Sometimes i try to convince myself that i dont care. Other than that, what i find that i really need to improve on is confidence. Sometimes i miss out on opportunitys because i am scared that i will fail or look stupid. I need to stop caring what people would think at times and just go for what i want. I am not going to get anything just standing there and waiting for it to come. Even if there is an obstacle in the way i shouldnt give up, i should find a way past it. If i can master this im sure i can get much further in life. Anyone can actually. All you have to be is CONFIDENT. I always think to myself "you miss 100% of the shots you dont take". Sometimes that quote gets to me and gives me the ambition to do something, but other times im still a pussy. I need to learn to love myself, not hate myself.

Arrite now lets get into relationships...
    Meeting a girl for the first time is like writing an essay, the hardest part is to start. I have found out that, well, girls are people too, and they probably think just like me. I have to stop thinking that they are some impenetrable force that is impossible to discover. I find myself a master at reading people and figuring out what they are thinking. I need to use that ability i have on girls that i am actually interested in. I find that every time i talk to a girl, and i figure out that i can get with her, i seem to lose interest. I dont know why, its just weird. That is something i need to figure out. I just want perfection when it comes to a girl. Its not just how they look, its how i feel around them. I want to feel confortable around them in public. I dont want to have to hide the relationship because i am even a little embarresed. Last Saturday, i met a girl that i think would fulfill everything i want. Shes pretty, she has good friends, i like talking to her, i am interested in her. I barely knew her and i felt obligated to learn everything about her. So i had to make a move. She goes to a different school and i have a good girl friend who is friends with her. I spoke to her through text and on the phone and i told her how it would mean alot to me if she put in a good word for me and pretty much set us up. Well she did what she can, and i decided to nut up and talk to her on facebook IM. I spoke to her a good amount on saturday night, so it wasnt COMPLETELY awkward IMing her on facebook. We had a nice convo and i was very happy. I thought to myself, "hey, maybe this will actually work! i just have to keep it up and maybe i found Ms "My idea of perfect"." So yeah things were going well that night. Now its the next day. ( this all happened this week, this is what happened today). I did some SAT work, and did my own thing for most of the day. She has school and im on vacation. Remember she goes to a different school (private school). I went out to watch Glee (great show) with a few of my fellow Glee watchers. And one of them happens to be very good friends with her aswell. I started talking to her at about 750ish that night, and things were going smooth. I decided to show that girl who is friends with her that i was talking to her, and she said she would help me out too. She is on team "Lazar". (ull understand this soon). So i went to the movies afterward with my guy friends. I was with these guys that saturday night. So i am talking to the girl ( lets call her E) and my friend who was also there on saturday night saw me talking to her. He looked at me in shock, and at that point i new something bad was coming. I just felt it. I figured out that he is talking to her too, trying to get her. This guy (lets call him N) is one of my very good friends and this felt soo wrong to me. I immediately panicked. I tried playing it cool and i think i did that pretty well. I texted my friend who initially helped me meet E ( lets call her R) and told her what just happend. I told her how upset i was and how i needed answers. Luckily R is a great friend and decided to call her. Me and N felt a little awkward, but we said to each other "whatever happens happens" and that this wouldnt effect out relationship as friends. As much as i want to go with that, i dont know if i can. If this keeps up, im not sure what will happen. So R calls me in the middle of the movie, so i step outside and spoke to her. I told R how much i liked E prior to the phone call, and how N is just trying to get a hookup and forget about his old girlfriend. I know that N doesnt like her as much as i do. And that is really bothering me. So R tells me that N started talking to her HOURS before i started, and N was a bit more aggresive as i was. N has about 6 girls (some are his cousins and mutual friends to me) trying to hook up him with E. So i call them "Team N". I have R and this other girl that i spoke about, who i call "Team Lazar". So R tells me how N and E talked alot more than i did with her. It was my fault, i wasnt as aggresive. I thought i would have all the time in the world. But apparently not. R told me that this isnt over yet, and that E still doesnt know who she would chose. R told E how N doesnt like her as much as i do, and isnt the guy she is looking for. But even i am not sure what really happened in that phone call. E is confused and she doenst really know who she will chose. Obviously i hope its me, and i am doing anything i can to make it happen. I lied to N and told him im throwing in the towel. Just to make things less awkward. But E doesnt know that I know she is talking to N, and she doesnt know that N knows shes talking to me. I put a nice quote on my facebook status that really showed how i was feeling. It was about not giving up because it is better to fail and try, then to have never tried at all. So i really dont know what will happen right now. Only time will tell, but hopefully things can go the way i hope. I cant just sit down and give up, i have to fight and make it happen!

So thats about it for today. Hopefully i can find the time and not be lazy so i can write in this more. It really felt good. Whoever took the time to read this i thank you. Good luck in all of your lives.

LAZAR's first blog

So, this is my first blog post ever. Throughout my blogs i most probably wont be using correct grammar and spelling, im not really into that when it comes to non-work stuff. I'm pretty much just going to be expressing what is going on in my head, the way it comes to me initially. I may be saying one thing, then just totally get lost in a side comment about something else, every though leads to another ofcoarse. So as of right now, im in 11th grade, i wont be stating what city i live in or my name, because im not risking somebody in my school finding this blog and potentially ruin me, for i will be talking shit and expressing my inner feelings about this town and the people in it in many of my blogs. I live in a town that is pretty much in a bubble, everybody knows everyone else, the majoirty of people are very wealthy, which causes alot of kids here to become total crackheads and depend on their trust fund. Well, im not one of those kids, i dont mean to brag or anything but i come from a pretty wealthy family myself, but i dont do any drugs of any sort. I like to drink with my friends when its necessary to have a good night and take advantage of my youth, but i never drink enough to get fully drunk, just tipsy. Im not some loser in my school writing in a blog because i have no friends and do nothing with my highschool life, im actually a pretty cool kid with alot of friends and is liked by alot of people. I just find myself different from others because my mind isnt trapped of this safe bubble of a town, with no crime, alot of money, and people who act like complete tools (oh ill be getting into that alot). So i need somewhere to express my feelings, i love this town, but at times i just want to tear it apart(not physically ofcoarse). Im not going to do a shooting or anything, thats just stupid, i see myself having a great future because i pretty much classify myself as a social genius. I want to be a lawyer, but ill get into my future another time. See, that was a side comment and i had to read back to figure out what the hell i was saying before. Arrite so yeah, i find myself a social genius because of the way i can read people and find my way through them. As i said before, as much as i dont believe in "popularity" in school, if i really had to, i would say im pretty popular, but theres alot more too it than that, and ill get into it later. So this last sentance will probably lead to one of my next couple of blogs;
 My social state right now: pissed of because of current events, and im actually struggling to figure out what to do next with my group of friends to get ourselves to the top.
I dont expect my "many readers so far" to understand what the fuck i just said, but it will hopefully become clear soon, and hopefully i continue these blogs, noting my life, so one day i could hopefully look back from the top, and remember how i did it. wooo